Joining A Coven While In The Closet

Greetings Loves!

I've been wanting to write this post for a while and honestly, I'm not sure how this is going to come out. I'm going to just let my opinions and words flow through my mind and onto the keyboard so bare with me if I go on a random tangent haha.

Today I wanted to just write to everyone and share a recent endeavor I have come across in my current status of life in hopes that others may either be interested or share similar experiences to mine. As some of you may or may not be aware [and chances are if you're reading my blog to begin with then you know this] that I am in the broom closet. This is something I currently chose to do even though day by day I find myself stepping out of it. For those who have never been in the closet or for those who have not been in the closet for more than five years, you might have forgotten what this entails. Basically I don't share my religion with those I am not comfortable with sharing the information to. At first I was debating upon not telling a single soul, but when I found out that I had to confide in someone about my religious identity, my boyfriend was the first person I told. Sooner rather then later, most of my friends were pagan [and this was after going out and venturing off to meet other pagans] and those who I consider my closest friends I told. However my family and my boyfriend's family is unaware of my religious status.

When I came across a public circle of my current coven, then just another group I was venturing out to, I knew that this was the place I felt at home. It was a moon ritual held at a local UU church and my first meeting I found myself sharing my deepest concerns and secrets to people I hardly knew. I felt called to share, to open myself up to these people and most importantly, I felt safe. Since then, I did everything I could do to join. I attended their classes and all of their events that I was able to. I eventually got invited to their semi private events and became a dedicant to joining the coven. In Yule of 2015, I officially became a member. 

Thank you Google for this lovely picture!

Since joining, I found that a lot of my free time was taken up by various activities in the pagan community, such as public festivals and my coven job. Though these things I do not mind since I enjoy them greatly, I found that I've pushed some things into the back burner due to the amount of work I am doing. I do have a full time job as well as part time online school to obtain my bachelors degree. Then I have these events, friend time and then other responsibilities that take up my free time. What did I push back on the burner? My biological family. 

Though I do communicate with them every now and then, my family and I have not always seen eye to eye. Though I do love them and I know they love me without a doubt, I can just feel that our relationship isn't going to be this close knit family that I had envisioned in my youth. My family is moving to another state which will be a five hour drive from where I currently live and my aunt, uncle and grandfather are following suite. My cousins who are only an hour from me are not interested in my life and my older siblings that are two hours from me are busy raising my niece and nephew. I honestly don't have any set schedule to take a day or two to go visit everyone, which makes staying in the picture difficult. My boyfriend's family is staying within the area we are currently in, but we too don't always see eye to eye. Things will change once we [finally] move out. 

As for if I feel any sort of void in having a family, I do but I don't. I'm going to miss my family but we've already been distant for so long, it isn't something new for me. I've had my grieving period over them being gone and not so into my life as they were before, we're growing in different directions and more importantly in different religions. Not saying that our religion differences are tearing us apart, as I said I am in the closet, but it doesn't mean I'm making a last ditch effort into seeing them every weekend. 

But before this turns into a completely different post then I intended it to be, I've noticed that joining a coven while in the closet can be an easy task as long as those you're living with know where you're going. Not everyone in the house I live in knows where I go, but my boyfriend does and has even covered for me many times. As for my biological family, if they ask me to come over I will to the best of my ability but I am letting my spirituality take precedence over my life for now. After that, those who love and will accept me for who I really am will be next. My biological family isn't in that category. But my pagan family, my coven, is and always will be. 

Overwhelming Love From MahaLakshmi

Om Shreem Heem Lakshmyai Namaha

Greetings My Loves!

I wanted to share an experience I had with mother Lakshmi about a month ago that I thought would be interesting and insightful.

I was having a few rough days. Thanksgiving was only a few days away and my family decided to leave me behind so I could house and pet sit. They do this almost every year and it's not the first time they thought nothing of leaving me behind. Granted, I never told them how leaving me behind makes me feel directly, but I can only imagine they are aware of how I feel to an extent, given that I have expressed disappointment when they make trips without me for the soul reason I do not live under their roof anymore.

My friend was hosting a Soul Circle Gathering where once a month pagans can gather to a certain location, learn a lesson about gratitude or whatever the month's theme was, and then have a meditation afterwards that ties it all together. It usually consists of five woman, one of them being myself. We're trying to expand it's numbers currently and are already succeeding in its popularity. But I digress, we had our 'class' on what to be thankful for. I wrote down the basics, a home, my boyfriend, friends, family, my life, my job, and so on. Then I wrote down what I would like to blossom into my life. A new job, a house [in which my boyfriend and I will be looking for one soon this coming year] and a few other things I have been struggling with in 2015. We finished the class with a bang and everyone was having a good time. Then came time for the meditation.

Mother Goddess Lakshmi

The meditation itself was quite sweet. The lights were dimmed in the room while gentle music breezed through my eardrums, letting the gentle light of the loving moon, or as Lakshmi worshippers call the moon Uncle, gaze down upon my plump form. I laid down on the floor completely, letting the meditation bring me into a higher state of consciousness os my friend began reading the script. Closing my eyes, I pictured the lush green forest my friend was describing to me. Long and tall trees as far as my eyes could see, a gentle dirt below my naked feet as I took steps towards a well in the middle of the forrest. After the well appeared a cave and I entered it, seeing a dim light leading towards a stone structure of a throne with a woman gazing at me with a huge inviting smile. It only took a few minutes to realize who the beautiful woman was: Lakshmi. Her black hair cascading down her back as her outfit was green with red and gold detailing. She walked over to me slowly, seeing as how I was stunned by her presence. I had met with her in various meditations before but I was not expecting her to grace my presence this day. She embraced me as a mother would, causing tears on both realms to form within my eyes, my eyes turning red from the tears flowing freely.

All she did was hold me, petting my hair gently as she consoled me from the emotions I was holding inside of myself. Then for what seemed as if it was too short of a time, it was time to come back. I thanked her for her motherly blessing and bid her goodbye, coming back to the realm to notice my cheeks were stained with fresh tears. I told my classmates what had happened, causing more tears to flow freely. I was releasing all the emotions I had been holding back inside, letting it cleanse of of the negativity that was kept inside my heart. 

It still feels like a huge blessing on her part to have her just hold me, a loving gentle goddess that could be doing anything in the world, taking the time to reach out and console me. I feel so honored and humbled knowing she cares that deeply for me. Not that I did not love her before, but that night was the night I truly loved her.

Love & Light,

Ganshmi

Book Review: Lakshmi Mantra Magick by Baal Kadmon

Upon seeing this book on the internet, I thought I had honestly struck a gold mind. I have been looking for reading material on my mother goddess and wanted anything and everything to read up on her to obtain more knowledge.* The book promised mantras and an inside depth of these mantras. I had expected a great read that was unique and from a current worshipper of Hers. Sadly, I was mistaken.

If you want a reference book of the things you already know, then this book is the perfect one for you. Most of these mantras can be found on the internet and the author only briefly introduced the goddess stating that we should already know who she is or else, why would we be reading this book? Kadmon missed the opportunity to bring the beauty of Lakshmi to readers who had never heard of her before. Granted if the reader doesn't know who she is, they probably wouldn't be researching her or trying to find a book on her. But what if they were curious and the introduction to the book called to them, the opportunity was lost.

Now when he went in with the mantras, he did state the original language and the english translation of them and then followed brief exercises to use the mantras for, which I found very useful. Kadmon states that the mantras are extremely powerful and will work with the right intent. There is also a lot of white space in the book that I plan on taking notes in with my own findings, therefore creating a little personalized book for Lakshmi.

However one thing that I cannot understand is the spelling errors. There were several spelling errors in the book, simple words too such as 'the' and 'she'. If Kadmon had had an editor to review the book, or if Kadmon had read over the book themselves, the spelling errors could have been avoided. Also the book itself was quite short; most of the information in the book is available online and other then the mantras and exercises, the book was unoriginal. What I am implying is that I wish there was more to it. I wanted it to have more information that was unique and would aid in my spiritual growth. Overall, I would not recommend the book.

Love & Light

Ganshmi

* Yes I know I can just research this information on the internet, but there's something about having a book that it far more personal and intimate then just looking at a web page. I plan on saving the internet for last in my research. [But honestly if I had, I probably would have saved a few dollars].