Joining A Coven While In The Closet

Greetings Loves!

I've been wanting to write this post for a while and honestly, I'm not sure how this is going to come out. I'm going to just let my opinions and words flow through my mind and onto the keyboard so bare with me if I go on a random tangent haha.

Today I wanted to just write to everyone and share a recent endeavor I have come across in my current status of life in hopes that others may either be interested or share similar experiences to mine. As some of you may or may not be aware [and chances are if you're reading my blog to begin with then you know this] that I am in the broom closet. This is something I currently chose to do even though day by day I find myself stepping out of it. For those who have never been in the closet or for those who have not been in the closet for more than five years, you might have forgotten what this entails. Basically I don't share my religion with those I am not comfortable with sharing the information to. At first I was debating upon not telling a single soul, but when I found out that I had to confide in someone about my religious identity, my boyfriend was the first person I told. Sooner rather then later, most of my friends were pagan [and this was after going out and venturing off to meet other pagans] and those who I consider my closest friends I told. However my family and my boyfriend's family is unaware of my religious status.

When I came across a public circle of my current coven, then just another group I was venturing out to, I knew that this was the place I felt at home. It was a moon ritual held at a local UU church and my first meeting I found myself sharing my deepest concerns and secrets to people I hardly knew. I felt called to share, to open myself up to these people and most importantly, I felt safe. Since then, I did everything I could do to join. I attended their classes and all of their events that I was able to. I eventually got invited to their semi private events and became a dedicant to joining the coven. In Yule of 2015, I officially became a member. 

Thank you Google for this lovely picture!

Since joining, I found that a lot of my free time was taken up by various activities in the pagan community, such as public festivals and my coven job. Though these things I do not mind since I enjoy them greatly, I found that I've pushed some things into the back burner due to the amount of work I am doing. I do have a full time job as well as part time online school to obtain my bachelors degree. Then I have these events, friend time and then other responsibilities that take up my free time. What did I push back on the burner? My biological family. 

Though I do communicate with them every now and then, my family and I have not always seen eye to eye. Though I do love them and I know they love me without a doubt, I can just feel that our relationship isn't going to be this close knit family that I had envisioned in my youth. My family is moving to another state which will be a five hour drive from where I currently live and my aunt, uncle and grandfather are following suite. My cousins who are only an hour from me are not interested in my life and my older siblings that are two hours from me are busy raising my niece and nephew. I honestly don't have any set schedule to take a day or two to go visit everyone, which makes staying in the picture difficult. My boyfriend's family is staying within the area we are currently in, but we too don't always see eye to eye. Things will change once we [finally] move out. 

As for if I feel any sort of void in having a family, I do but I don't. I'm going to miss my family but we've already been distant for so long, it isn't something new for me. I've had my grieving period over them being gone and not so into my life as they were before, we're growing in different directions and more importantly in different religions. Not saying that our religion differences are tearing us apart, as I said I am in the closet, but it doesn't mean I'm making a last ditch effort into seeing them every weekend. 

But before this turns into a completely different post then I intended it to be, I've noticed that joining a coven while in the closet can be an easy task as long as those you're living with know where you're going. Not everyone in the house I live in knows where I go, but my boyfriend does and has even covered for me many times. As for my biological family, if they ask me to come over I will to the best of my ability but I am letting my spirituality take precedence over my life for now. After that, those who love and will accept me for who I really am will be next. My biological family isn't in that category. But my pagan family, my coven, is and always will be. 

My Dearly Departed Grandmother & Her Visits

When She Was Alive

My grandmother passed away in August this year due to a coupe of factors but one of them being she had Parkinson's disease. She had the disease for over ten years and fought her hardest to stay active, social, and witty until her dying day. I remember the day so clearly, the last time I saw her. At this point she was in hospice care since she kept falling down and no one was able to lift her up anymore. She had been in there for a year and I went to see her once a month [since I live a bit away from where she was]. Then the doctors told my parents that she didn't have much longer to live, so I upped my visitations to once a week, sacrificing my time to make sure I gave me all to her. The last time I saw her, I told her I loved her and would see her again next week. She stated she did not believe me. I told her again, making sure she remembered and understood I did love her and that I knew she loved me, just thinking that her medicine was making her say hurtful things instead of actually meaning them. Well there was no 'next time', she passed away before I saw her again. In disbelief when my mother texted me, I called her and told her it wasn't funny to joke around like that but I knew better. She confirmed her death and I have been missing her ever since.

As I said, my grandmother had been dealing with her illness for quite some time and upon learning of her death it did not make me feel any better. Of course she is no longer suffering but it is still hard to let someone go in this physical realm. I felt extreme guilt over not seeing her enough, having put my friends and other family visits on the back burner but still maintaining my full time job and school work. But what made me feel guilty the most was knowing she was going to pass.

I did a big booboo, a service so to speak that isn't necessarily against any certain rules, but it causes more harm then it does good. My friend and I had just made a pendulum for me, complete with a carnelian pendulum and pearls dangling on the string, my fingers resting on the OM and Tree of Life symbol to make sure it didn't fall. It responded to me right away and I loved it for having a strong connection. When hearing the impending death drawing so near, I asked a series of yes and no questions in regards to when she would pass. I did this in May; I only remember due to the fact I asked if it was going to happen in June, July, and August. It confirmed August. I thought about asking the exact date but decided against it, not wanting full knowledge of her passing. I am sure the pendulum would have told me but it was something I did not want to know, I did not want to count down. Now in retrospect, I still feel the guilt. It's been hard celebrating this Thanksgiving and now the December holidays without her or her cards with the chicken scratch handwriting. 

Not actual photo of property but portrays the message.

Her First Visit

On September 23rd, precisely 1.5 months since her passing, I went to one of my friend's Mabon rituals that was being held in her backyard [which was quite woodsy and beautiful might I add] and it was the first time I went to one of her rituals. The ritual itself was set up in a more celtic manner, for we called in the ancestors, the nature spirits, and the gods as well as the elements. In the beginning, they were explaining this time of year and what it meant to our ancestors and to us now and briefly explained what we were doing in ritual.

So we called in our ancestors and I happened to see an energy outline/aura standing a little towards my left. As I was staring at it, I said inside my mind "i wish i could see more. i want to see more." Suddenly there was an eye right before me, so close to me that it was touching my glasses. I didn't know what to think of it at first, but then the eye started backing up and then I could see a face. I could not, and still can not, believe who it was. It was my grandmother, who passed away just under two months ago. She had a fine line on her face and wide eyes, her signature look for when she was goofing off or making a silly face. I was so taken aback that I looked towards my friend but she was so enthralled in ritual that I didn't want to interrupt.

My grandmother stayed to my left throughout the whole ritual too. During the ritual however, we did an exercise where we took acorns [that were from the backyard] and put our blessings and intent into them, handed them to others in the circle, and placed one in the well for our ancestors. I gave two away to the group and one to the ancestors, wishing them mostly love and peace. I ended up receiving four and that alone overwhelmed me. I started tearing up, with the fact that I was receiving so much kindness and my grandmother was here that I could not hold back the sheer joy I was feeling. I wasn't expecting to cry or any aspect of the ritual, but it was very emotional and free feeling.

Towards the end of the ritual, we were told to bring the acorns close to our heart and to absorb the blessings. I did so and still felt overwhelming love from them and to my left. Then we released the ancestors after a bit, and I saw my grandmother turn into a light and ascend to the sky where a whole bunch of stars were shining down upon us. Needless to say I cried to my friend then and she told me that she called in her own goddess [for her own personal reasons] and she noticed a woman standing to my left but was going to ask me about it later. So naturally I asked what she looked like, and would you know it, she described my grandmother.

Her Second Visit

I was working my second job at a haunted house attraction and unfortunately did not get to experience this in person, but my friend's coven did a Samhain ritual where they called upon those who had passed this current year and my friend called my grandmother for me [this was before I joined the coven]. She had told me that my grandmother had appeared before her and wondered why she was called. She had explained to my grandmother why she was called and all she did nod. 

Each time my grandmother never spoke a word but only observed where she was, which makes me wonder if she has actually crossed over or not. I plan on finding out and perhaps even updating the blog, but then again who ever knows.

I hope you enjoyed my story, please let me know if you have one of your own.

Ganshmi