Joining A Coven While In The Closet

Greetings Loves!

I've been wanting to write this post for a while and honestly, I'm not sure how this is going to come out. I'm going to just let my opinions and words flow through my mind and onto the keyboard so bare with me if I go on a random tangent haha.

Today I wanted to just write to everyone and share a recent endeavor I have come across in my current status of life in hopes that others may either be interested or share similar experiences to mine. As some of you may or may not be aware [and chances are if you're reading my blog to begin with then you know this] that I am in the broom closet. This is something I currently chose to do even though day by day I find myself stepping out of it. For those who have never been in the closet or for those who have not been in the closet for more than five years, you might have forgotten what this entails. Basically I don't share my religion with those I am not comfortable with sharing the information to. At first I was debating upon not telling a single soul, but when I found out that I had to confide in someone about my religious identity, my boyfriend was the first person I told. Sooner rather then later, most of my friends were pagan [and this was after going out and venturing off to meet other pagans] and those who I consider my closest friends I told. However my family and my boyfriend's family is unaware of my religious status.

When I came across a public circle of my current coven, then just another group I was venturing out to, I knew that this was the place I felt at home. It was a moon ritual held at a local UU church and my first meeting I found myself sharing my deepest concerns and secrets to people I hardly knew. I felt called to share, to open myself up to these people and most importantly, I felt safe. Since then, I did everything I could do to join. I attended their classes and all of their events that I was able to. I eventually got invited to their semi private events and became a dedicant to joining the coven. In Yule of 2015, I officially became a member. 

Thank you Google for this lovely picture!

Since joining, I found that a lot of my free time was taken up by various activities in the pagan community, such as public festivals and my coven job. Though these things I do not mind since I enjoy them greatly, I found that I've pushed some things into the back burner due to the amount of work I am doing. I do have a full time job as well as part time online school to obtain my bachelors degree. Then I have these events, friend time and then other responsibilities that take up my free time. What did I push back on the burner? My biological family. 

Though I do communicate with them every now and then, my family and I have not always seen eye to eye. Though I do love them and I know they love me without a doubt, I can just feel that our relationship isn't going to be this close knit family that I had envisioned in my youth. My family is moving to another state which will be a five hour drive from where I currently live and my aunt, uncle and grandfather are following suite. My cousins who are only an hour from me are not interested in my life and my older siblings that are two hours from me are busy raising my niece and nephew. I honestly don't have any set schedule to take a day or two to go visit everyone, which makes staying in the picture difficult. My boyfriend's family is staying within the area we are currently in, but we too don't always see eye to eye. Things will change once we [finally] move out. 

As for if I feel any sort of void in having a family, I do but I don't. I'm going to miss my family but we've already been distant for so long, it isn't something new for me. I've had my grieving period over them being gone and not so into my life as they were before, we're growing in different directions and more importantly in different religions. Not saying that our religion differences are tearing us apart, as I said I am in the closet, but it doesn't mean I'm making a last ditch effort into seeing them every weekend. 

But before this turns into a completely different post then I intended it to be, I've noticed that joining a coven while in the closet can be an easy task as long as those you're living with know where you're going. Not everyone in the house I live in knows where I go, but my boyfriend does and has even covered for me many times. As for my biological family, if they ask me to come over I will to the best of my ability but I am letting my spirituality take precedence over my life for now. After that, those who love and will accept me for who I really am will be next. My biological family isn't in that category. But my pagan family, my coven, is and always will be. 

Book Review: Witches In America by Alex Marr

Greetings My Loves!

Today I am going to discuss a review on a book I read a bit ago. If you do not wish to know how this book is writen or what it pertains, feel free to click off of this post but I have a hunch that since it has received numerous reviews and opinions such as those indicated here, here, here and here [along with my personal favorite being this one] then I figured my two cents wouldn't be too much to handle.

Under the Ancient Oaks/Patheos

Upon reading the reviews of this book I decided to form my own opinion on the words within this book. The other reviews I have read about the book are correct when she is describing other people's bodies, which I found to be a little unnecessary, especially when she describes one woman letting go of her problems and Alex describes this woman as obese with her boobs flattening as she twirls around (not quoting Alex's words word by word but am paraphrasing what she states).

“One very obese woman has chosen to go topless: her breasts are so pendulous they hang nearly to her navel, flattened into thick slabs. It is clear she is dancing a word that means something to her. She’s dancing it off, waving her arms , her skin rippling, and her long, frizzed-out hair askew. A large-bodied misfit.” (p. 52)

I do believe Alex was interested in learning about witches however, but she is instantly turned off by anything pagan related except for those of the extreme, such as the two types of groups she tends to study about which is the Feri tradition and the OTO. The vast majority of the pagan community is NOT represented in this book and should not be considered as such. This to me is a tad bit annoying for the soul reason that the 'simple' or 'mundane' way of magickal practice was not worthy enough of her to write about. She constantly states how she wants to be 'wowed' into being a believer in something bigger then herself, which is fine. I get it. You want the proof, in fact we all did at one point or another. But attending regular circles and not finding them 'magickal' enough is a bit absurd. However, she goes into her own experiences, such as her Samhain vision and her breathing techniques, I sense she is trying to understand what she is learning, which I can admire in her writing. And she does try to delve into other styles of paganism, such as the all women's group that I believe to be Dianic but I could be wrong. 

The necromancy chapter was completely unnecessary and unrelated to the whole book in its entirety. I felt it was put in there for a shock value as it was just randomly thrown in there towards the end of the book, being the third to last chapter. Details of that were a bit disturbing and you know, if it had been a common theme in the book, then I probably wouldn't have as much of an issue about the chapter but the randomness of that threw me off. She is constantly switching from stories about her trying to get into the Feri tradition and to understand it and then the next chapter she is experiencing OTO and its initiation/public rituals. The ending as well did upset me too, for I felt there should have been more added into the story. After being initiated into two covens, I am surprised she didn't disclose how she fell out of the traditions. For the Feri one, I do recall her stating she did not feel she belonged there, which is completely fine and she did have a conversation with the woman disclosing her wishes. However with the OTO, she was initiated and then the book ended. You don't get a sense of anything more magickal in her practice after that which makes me wonder if that's also another reason there is so much angst against this novel.

As far as the disclosing of private information, she does list first names or craft names, but discloses on some of them, not all, that she will not share their identities for they did not grant her permission. I do not know anyone involved in this book and had only heard of a few pagan groups mentioned, so I cannot comment whether the information is obscene or not. I could not look up these individuals just by the information in this book alone however. I am not stating that those upset with this book are not unjust in their ratings or opinions, especially since there are so many, and perhaps if I were more involved in this realm I would understand more. I could however, see if you knew these individuals you would be able to pick up who exactly she is talking about without her stating a name and that to me is a bit unsettling. The emails she had shared weren't that extreme to be honest, so I do not understand the whole outrage on that part. One email contained two binding spell techniques, and perhaps that is why people are upset over the emails. The sharing of rituals however, I can understand why they would be upset over her sharing their rituals, initiations, etc. because in a lot of traditions, those things are kept secret for a reason.

So overall I did enjoy her encounter but some things in the book and the way she went about it is a bit disturbing. I do not think she painted paganism, specifically the Feri or OTO traditions in a bad light at all, but she did not conclude if she wished to study paganism more or not towards the end [ I am assuming she didn't based on other reviews and claims ]. This book, according to Alex, was several years of research and experiences in the making, and I felt the ending was really rushed or just came to an abrupt halt. After making pledges to two covens specifically, I can't imagine how they felt about this book.

Hindu Paganism & What It Means To Me

What is Hindu Paganism and what exactly do I mean when I say that is what I practice?

Well, like any other pantheon in paganism, if you ask 10 of them the same question you're going to get 12 different answers. Meaning, not everyone views each practice the same way and that is perfectly fine. These are my reflections of hindu paganism and they are also subject to change.

Emaze.com 

Hindu Paganism [also has been called Indopaganism and Shakti Paganism amongst many other names, there seems to be no one name we all agree on] to me is paganism with the practice of Hindu deities. Now this can vary depending upon a person's personal preferences [try saying that 5x fast] but overall, the hindu gods have a stronger connection to us then any other gods. Just like those who follow the Norse, Greek, Celtic, Egyptian, etc. deities, we follow the Hindu pantheon.

The two who have the strongest relationship with me are Ganesha, the remover of obstacles and Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, prosperity, and abundance [thus my name, Ganshmi]. At first when I was studying paganism, I thought I was called upon by Aphrodite and it wasn't until I received a reading that Lakshmi was calling me. I was very much taken aback but after listening to the reading, I realized that this was true, and my own hypothesis is that Lakshmi was using a goddess I knew that was similar to her to begin drawing myself to her. Needless to say, it worked.

Now this is not to say I go to the hindu temples and worship there, [which I honestly could, there is one by my house by only a 15 minute drive but I sadly do not have the time to go and worship in the temple at this time] I worship in the comfort of my own home. Furthermore, I do not take on any hindu customs at this time. I follow my day to day just like any other American would. However, I do try to celebrate some of the hindu holidays such as Diwali, the festival of lights and Ganesh Chaturthi, Ganesha's birthday. Though I am still researching and figuring out what is best for my worship and what pleases my deities, I feel that it will come in due time.

The trouble now is that I am still in the closet in my home, thus my worship is extremely limited. Currently I am reading up on my deities, as well as many more in the hindu pantheon, and it is believed that just by reading up on them and learning them is honoring them. I am able to read at work and online without having to worry about people asking what I am reading. I also am able to make or buy specific candles for my deities and say my mantras to them that I learned during Philly Pagan Pride Day 2015. Om Shreem Heem Lakshmieh Namaha and Om Gaum Ganapataya Namaha [I might not have spelled these correctly]. I have not played with herbs as of yet, but have used some pictures and crystals. I find that they know my situation and understand my circumstances.

And that is the general overview of my hindu paganism. I know this will continue as I develop and grow, so stay tuned!

love & light, Ganshmi

Meet Me, Ganshmi

Greetings My Loves!

My name is Ganshmi and I will be writing a blog post on anything that comes to mind. Here you will find current events, holiday topics, struggles with being in the broom closet, health and diet, and much more. This will be more of an actual blog but will be mostly related to pagan like ideas. 

Now for a little about me. I am female that is 24 years young living in New Jersey and am living in an 'in the closet' type situation for the time being. I am mainly out of the closet except to family members of mine and my boyfriend's. We live with his mother at the time being but plan on looking for houses beginning in 2016 (super excited about that by the way) in our area. I have been a practicing pagan for a year now (yes, baby pagan) but according to my past lives, this is not something new to my soul, just new to me until I begin remembering again. I do not have free reign to practice apart from candle magick and meditation, which for now is fine. I however am part of a coven that lets me celebrate the holidays and has become a family to me in such a short time frame.

Amazon

 I did not discover paganism by any sort of flashing light or some great beautiful goddess smacking me on the head. One day my boyfriend and I were walking around Princeton (by the college part of the town) because we had never done something like that before even though we live pretty close to the town. We did a little window shopping and when I spotted a book store, I wanted to check it out. I just obtained a new job and had a lot of free time to read books. Upon browsing, I came upon Babayaga by Toby Barlow and instantly knew I had to have the book. After purchasing it, it took me about a week with the free time I had to finish it. It peeked my interest with finding the witch who was not so good while there was another that was. There's also a love story and the detective becomes a flea! Oh it was so good haha. But then I had a thought, and this thought changed my entire world. Do witches exist today?

That question led me to do a simple Google search asking the same question. I found the words 'wicca' and 'paganism' amongst the top searches and began doing my research. I briefly heard of the word 'pagan' before but had no idea what they actually meant. Upon reading definitions of what they were, I began doing more research: what do they believe? how do they worship? what is magick and why does it have a 'k' at the end of it? etc. and found upon reading, I felt I agreed more with the idea of paganism and wicca then I ever had with christianity. Now I am not saying christianity is wrong, but it never settled well with me. A god that loves everyone regardless of their sins yet cannot accept gay marriage though we are created in his own vision? That thought was the strongest against my beliefs, being a form of pansexual (not exactly sure what to call my sexuality at this time) and if I ever fell in love with anyone other then a male, I could not get married to them. That and the church I did not agree with because I felt them to be greedy. You were judged for throwing in little money, or no money at all, even if it was a choice between food for your family and the salary of the priest.  I felt you could worship the lord anywhere, it did not have to be inside the church on a Sunday morning.

Then I began researching groups in my area and went to find online discussion groups such as WiccanTogether and PaganSpace, which I still am active on, and WitchVox where I found a few covens in the area who do public classes. Thus my research began to take off and I was in the mindset of transforming my spirituality. My family is super religious so I chose not to tell them for the sake of having a relationship with them, although my mother might come around. I do not know if I will ever tell them at this point, but I was sure I was not going to tell anyone and yet I have told my closest friends about my new founded religion. They have been surprisingly supportive and it does help that most of my friends now are pagan.

But this post is already long enough and I shall describe exactly what I do and what I practice at a later date. Thanks for reading!
Love & Light, Ganshmi